How I Feel About Being 90 Days Clean, Again

I am a 21 year old recovering heroin/crack addict alcoholic. Today I’ve made it 90 days clean and sober. Wow! I was in intensive out-patient recovery for 6 months and I relapsed about half a year ago. It happened when I was feeling an unbearable amount of guilt and shame for plenty of justifiable reasons. I felt unworthy and hopelessly lost, part of me didn’t want to be found. At the time I was so severely depressed and suicidal, the idea of overdosing seemed ideal. I felt like dying was the only way out of what I was feeling, because the drugs obviously weren’t able to fill my void.

I was blessed to be sent off to a rehab in TN, I had no idea that I was going to go through a major transformation or that my life was about to change dramatically. It was hard letting go of the drugs, they sadly held more value then human relationships in my world of active addiction. One of the hardest parts for me getting sober was facing myself again, facing the many painful experiences I had put myself and others through. In the process of being brutally honest with myself; I realized/ experienced self-acceptance and self- love for the first time. I was able to acknowledge myself for everything I endured and for surviving it all. No longer did I need acceptance or acknowledgement from anyone other then myself. From there I started to truly forgive myself and it made recovery possible for me. Self-love was the only thing that began to fill my void.

So how do I feel now, being 90 days clean? I’m baffled that I’m here! There’s too many times I should’ve died even aside from my substance abuse. It’s wild to have this chance to live, something that I take for granted sometimes until I think of all the other addicts who’ve passed. Rip. I’m grateful! Not just to have the opportunity to live but on a journey of self-love, which I now believe is the only way that life is worth living. Overcoming my depression and PTSD on the daily has been a huge sense of accomplishment. I have more inner work to do but I’m just happy to be here! I appreciate the little things in life more then ever. I’m grateful to have made it to this point, I see myself as a success everyday for how far I’ve come. So hallelujah! Thank God.

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