Nostalgia

Spring break of 2013 I was 17 years old, with my best friend at Deerfield Beach in Ft. Lauderdale. I adore that beach, for whatever reason it just feels like home. My best-friend Brittany and I were so young and reckless. Some of my most absolute favorite memories were spent there. I’m writing about it now because I remember listening to Lana del Rey everyday during that trip especially, with my girl and we really connected with her music. They were sad, beautiful songs that went so well with where I was at emotionally back then. When I was 17, I was in a dark place. My reality was a world of pain, confusion and heartbreak. I was experiencing a lot of emotional, and sexual abuse not knowing it was abuse/trauma because it was normalized into my reality so I kept quiet about it. I was drinking heavily and using other drugs, trying to drop out of high school but ended up switching schools instead. It was a chaotic and stressful time in my life. I felt like I belonged no where. Maybe that’s why I loved that beach so much, because I could lay there in the sand and I was allowed to just exist. I remember laying under the stars by the water, I wished I could just stay there in that moment forever. When I look at the stars nothing makes sense yet everything makes sense… if that makes any sense. So anyways, Lana del Rey’s old songs give me a strong sense of nostalgia and I’m going to her show tomorrow night. It came to me, that this show can be a way for me to celebrate my beautifully tragic past. So that I can let it go. I feel like by honoring my past, even though some parts of it were really dark times; feels like maybe it wasn’t just all that pain for nothing and that it served it’s purpose. It’s hard to let go sometimes I think, but it’s time to start over and live a life that feels better. Laying on the beach will always feel right, I’m looking forward to more of that someday. Xo Haley

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03/31/13

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